...on a need to know basis

Lately I feel like I'm being tested....spiritually.  As far as I can understand, God is testing my trust and my faith.  Most people who know me know that I've wanted to be a lawyer most of my life.  I'd been preparing for law school since elementary school and toward the end of my junior year, I realized that being a lawyer wasn't my passion.  I couldn't see myself going to law school.  I didn't completely abandon the idea -- I decided to get my M.A. in Philosophy and then, go to law school as a more attractive candidate.  I thought it would only take me about a year to finish my degree and then I could combine it with a law degree and practice as a legal ethicist or something of that variety.  Since that decision, which I absolutely believe was the right one, I've ceased to have a life plan.  For my entire life before that, I knew the next 5 steps I wanted to take but for the past 3 years, I've been blessed to know even the immediate next step.  I feel like God is giving me information on a need to know basis -- for a Type A personality, that constitutes a test, to say the least.  Over the past 3 years, I've made several of my own future plans and I've been frustrated when they were derailed.  I realize now that they've been derailed in order to make me completely dependent on God and as a test of my faith.  God is testing my willingness to trust that everything will be taken care of.  I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster and like my word doesn't have the strength it used to... At the same time, my word is even stronger.  Because I do trust, although obviously not to the extent that I should, that I will keep moving forward successfully and that I am on the right path, I feel extremely confident in what I say I'm going to do (after all, it's normally only what I'm about to do at that very moment).  Most importantly, I feel confident that the thing that's about to happen is going to be a blessing to me.  So here's the timeline:

3 years ago, I got out of a horribly unhealthy relationship.  I felt like someone took off blinders I never knew were there.  I immediately realized I didn't want to go to law school, at least not right after graduation, and began researching Philosophy programs.  I decided on George Mason's program because they offered a thorough program in ethics, my favorite philosophy subject, and because I calculated that I'd be able to finish the program in a year and then go on to law school.

A little over a month after I graduated, I started working.  In the beginning, I thought the job was a huge blessing, and now, I can say that it was but for most of the time I was there, I didn't feel that way at all.  After working there for about 6 months, I went to closing on a townhouse I wanted to buy so that I could move out.  I forgot to mention that I'd wanted to get a job as soon as I graduated so that I could have moved immediately.  Anyway, I prayed before I went to closing that God would interfere in whatever way was necessary if I wasn't supposed to buy that house.  At closing, the attorney came up with the most ridiculous stuff I've ever heard of.  He wanted to charge me an additional $2000 without explaining what it was for and when I inquired about why I would be paying anything additionally, he told me not to worry about it and to speak with another lawyer or a CPA.  Well, my mother happens to be a CPA -- of course, she was at closing with me and she knew it was ridiculous.  He'd already done questionable, tricky things before closing but I'd corrected them.  Anyway, I took the hint and I walked away from the table.  So much for the 30 year mortgage I wanted so badly.

The following month, I got very sick with a kidney infection and because of the medicine I was taking, I had to stay at home for 2 or 3 weeks.  My job acted as if I was the crux of the organization and couldn't spare to have me away.  I was taking antibiotics, Vicodin and Tylenol with codeine AND working from home.  I should mention that I didn't have any leave at my job.  I accumulated leave by working in excess of 40 hours a week, which is hard to do when you're in graduate school full-time.  I should also mention that I was working for a non-profit so the pay was minimal -- hardly worth the hassle on my body, especially at that time (my kidney infection was caused by stress).  A month after I got sick, I was fed up.  I wanted to quit.  In fact, I was ready to take a "leap of faith" and do just that.  I went to my supervisor prepared to give her my two weeks notice -- in fact, I went to her office 6 times in one day! Each time, she sent me away because she was too busy to talk, on her way out, etc.  It turns out this was God being ridiculous again because a plan was in motion.  The very next day I went to work planning to give my notice only to find out they'd be doing layoffs.  I volunteered to be laid off.  I found out later that I wouldn't have been laid off but thankfully, I walked away with severance and unemployment benefits (which I am still collecting).  Who would've known that I didn't buy the house I wanted because God was going to get me out of my job 2 months later!

In the meantime, I was in school.  I felt like God confirmed my decision to go to graduate school when I was awarded a renewable full tuition scholarship and a department fellowship -- the department looked at my graduate application and selected me as a recipient.  That's a blessing! I was doing okay in school, considering the stress I was under at home and work, but I found out I wouldn't be able to finish in a year after all.  So I decided to take a few classes in the Public Administration department -- I'd planned to get an M.P.A. in addition to my M.A. and to forgo law school.  Over the summer, I realized that George Mason was a bit too expensive for me -- after all, my scholarship wouldn't apply and it turns out my scholarship only covered in-state tuition; I still had to pay the difference between in-state and out-of-state.  So I decided I would go to Bowie State where I'd qualify for in-state tuition (much cheaper than the cost of becoming a VA resident & paying VA state tuition).

So... (wow this is long!) over the summer and as my second year in graduate school began, I was informed of an internship with a non-profit organization striving to end homelessness and domestic violence.  I applied for it and I got it! The position allowed me to work on college campuses and raise awareness about intimate partner violence and bystander intervention.  I didn't know when I applied but I'd learn a lot about myself working there.

Over the summer, I was also looking for a place to live.  I knew that I couldn't do well in school with all the stress going on at home and I decided to take out student loans and pay my bills using those and my unemployment.  I was looking with a good friend of mine from college who's currently in med school.  We looked for the entire summer and even came close to renting an apartment in DC when my friend found out that she could move into student housing and save thousands of dollars.  We'd agreed that if she could get student housing, we wouldn't move in together.  Instead, I ended up moving into the condo she was renting in VA and she moved into student housing.  This also turned out to be a blessing since the condo is all of 12 minutes from the internship and about 20 minutes from school.  Also, the GPA has skyrocketed!

Now before we make it back to the present, I have to say that I visited Bowie for their graduate student open house and I knew it wasn't the place for me.  I couldn't see myself there and I didn't feel like I could get out of the program what I wanted to get out of it.  But what was I going to do instead? There were no other MPA programs in the area I was interested in and I needed to be in school to pay the bills.  Even knowing this, I decided to review all of the schools once more and I happened upon a Ph.D program at UMD College Park. You can't take doctoral classes over the summer, usually, so that didn't help my plan for paying the bills immediately after finishing the MA.  In addition, I haven't taken the GRE and when I found out about the program, there was hardly enough time to study for it and it turned out it was being offered too late for me to have my scores sent to UMD by the application deadline.  So, I tabled the idea.  I was struggling to finish the semester (although I did well) and it occurred to me that I might need a break from school.

Now we're back to the present.  Without school, there are no student loans and without loans, I cannot pay my bills.  So, I knew I would need a job.  I had already been applying since I'm required to in order to receive unemployment benefits but nothing had come through.  Now, there was something more serious at stake.  Since I enjoy my internship so much, I began looking specifically at positions in this field.  I had the opportunity to attend the launch of a new domestic violence organization earlier in the school year so I emailed my resume to the heads of the organization and thankfully, I've had 2 phone interviews and an offer for an internship and a pending full-time position.  This is a wonderful opportunity.  But, the fact that the full-time position is pending is troubling.  If it were guaranteed, my Type A personality would be calm.  But balancing two internships as I count down the days until graduation and the end of my lease worries the Type A in me.  I'm supposed to have the next 5 steps planned... Right now, I don't even know what the next step is.  I only know what step I'm in and I think the information on what is to come is being held on a need to know basis.

Pray for me y'all! Send your positive thoughts my way so that I'll be calm and pass this test!  I know everything will work out but it helps to have friendly reminders...

And thanks for reading the longest post ever... remember I did try to sum up 3 years!!!