Everything but the kitchen sink

So recently, there have been quite a few things that I've thought about and wanted to blog about and I'm just now getting around to it... Here goes!

First, I recently read about actress Holly Robinson Peete claiming that Kim Kardashian took away a potential role for a black actress, or as she calls them, "blacktresses".  Read the article here.  She calls it a "brilliant, PR move", which it may be but I think it's so interesting that everyone is so upset with Kim Kardashian.  First, Tyler Perry can cast and does cast whoever he wants to be in his movies!  Second, this is not the first time he's cast a role that wasn't black.  Actresses like Sofia Vergara and Kathy Bates come to mind.  He usually gives the main character a diverse best friend and sometimes, they are racially diverse.  But, none of this is really about Kim Kardashian being in his movie.  It's really about her divorce... so let's move on to that.

Here's my two cents, in a nutshell: Kim Kardashian was 30 when she married Kris Humphries and she, as many people do, succumbed to the inner and outer pressure to hurry up and get married and have children.  She was dating an eligible bachelor who was also interested in getting married and her sisters, both older and younger, seem to have already beat her to the punch when it comes to establishing families of their own.  Furthermore, she's the most famous of them all so there's a significant spotlight on her and her love life.  It's definitely not a good idea to rush into marriage but we've seen this before... and when you have the money and you feel this is something you "should" be doing, you go for it and ignore all the signs that say you shouldn't.  I think they both made a mistake and I thought it was a mistake before they got married, from watching the show.  As far as I'm concerned, Kris Humphries is a jerk and he didn't fit well into the family.  And he's been a jerk for awhile -- google him.  But Kim and her family excused all of this and tried to see the best in him and they got married... If you watched the wedding special, you'd see that he acted like a child about most of the issues surrounding their wedding and their marriage.  I'm glad that Kim Kardashian was brave enough to get out of it this soon and didn't stick with it to save face.  I think it will be very interesting to see what led to her decision on Kourtney and Kim Take New York... I don't work for E! but I'll be watching and I think a lot of people will have to eat their words.  Moving on...

While I'm on the topic of celebrities that everyone just loves to hate, let's get to my girl, Beyonce.  The amount of press surrounding her pregnancy (and Kim's divorce) is ridiculous.  When I think about these two situations and read different comments online, I realize that the people in our society think way too highly of themselves, egos galore!  Everything is not a publicity stunt and celebrities are not always doing things out of concern for their fans or their portrayal in the media.  It's especially interesting to think Beyonce would stage a pregnancy or pretend to be farther along than she is in her pregnancy since she has been so private about her personal life in the past.  Why would she choose to exploit her pregnancy and future child when we still haven't even seen her wedding pictures?  She hasn't seized the opportunity to do a reality show or write a tell-all book about Destiny's Child, but she'll pretend to be pregnant?  I was one of the people who noticed that she was glowing before she announced her pregnancy -- that cannot be faked.  Furthermore, the girl is gaining weight.  Thanks to years of hardcore performing and dance training, her metabolism is ridiculous so the weight gain isn't making her fat or anything, but her face has definitely rounded out and her lactating boobs are bigger.    Basically, she's pregnant.  And if you think she's putting it all in your face, she's not.  Imagine how silly she'd look if she had waited until she was 6 months pregnant and showing to finally announce that she was.  For years, people have been wrongly speculating that she's expecting and I'm happy that she got to reveal it on her own terms when no one suspected a thing.  Let's all keep in mind that, in February, there will be a child here who doesn't deserve all of the negativity swirling around right now (not that Beyonce does); how would you feel if you were in her shoes? No, really?

Insert transition here: Speaking of egos, I've been watching the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) and I've been particularly interested in episodes of Oprah's Lifeclass.  One such episode covers ego and reflects back to an instance of her own boosted ego, when she rolled out the fat wagon on an early episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show.  I won't spoil it for you here but I will say that it made me seriously contemplate different times that I've been egotistical and why.  I would seriously encourage you to watch it.  It's really a wonderful way to learn more about yourself and to improve yourself.  Love the format and I think it was very intelligent of her to use her old show as material rather than interview new people -- it's great!!  Life-changing, even.

Hmm.. other great shows?  Well, I've been trying to be supportive of BET since they've finally developed a positive show.  I'm referring to Reed Between the Lines, which purports itself to be the closest thing to the Cosby Show, since the Cosby show.  This is an easy comparison because they've got one of the Cosby kids (Malcolm Jamal Warner) and they're building on the dual professional household model -- Warner plays an English professor and his wife (Tracee Ellis Ross) plays a psychologist...and the parents really "dig" each other.  The children are well-mannered and get along well with each other and their parents... it's all very reminiscent of the squeaky-clean image of the Cosby show.  On top of that image, the family deals with more complex issues: so far, I've seen episodes exploring pornography, "good hair", and alcoholism, for example.  I'm one of those people that still watches Cosby show reruns so I've definitely been waiting on a show like this but I'm not sure they've captured the magic.  It seems they are trying to follow a blueprint for a home that's already been built. Plus, they don't seem to realize that Tracee Ellis Ross has to be the funny one here -- she has to be the "Bill Cosby", if you will... the level of humor isn't there yet and Bill Cosby is a comedic genius who called the shots, so it may never be there.  I'm also not a huge fan of Warner's character being so harsh with the kids sometimes but I'm giving it sometime so that they can develop their own rhythm -- I'm not usually a fan of shows during their first season, anyway.  But, this is one of many steps BET will need to take to live up to "Black Entertainment Television."

Hmm, what next?  Actually, let's go ahead and abbreviate this as Part 1... TO BE CONTINUED.

Rihanna might need a "Bodyguard"...

Monica
Brandy
Barbra Streisand
Cher
Christina Aguilera
Jamie Foxx
Jennifer Hudson
Mariah Carey
Madonna
Queen Latifah
Diana Ross
Lauryn Hill
Prince
Aretha Franklin
Fantasia
Jennifer Lopez


These are the musical artists that I could think of and list when I thought about who has played a singer in a movie.  The only reason I'm even thinking about these people enough to make a list is because of "singer" Rihanna's comments on remaking the 1992 movie, The Bodyguard.  Click here to read an article with her comments.  As the author writes, the role was never officially offered to her but she has already declined it, saying:


"Absolutely not. I want to separate the two. I hate it when singers do singing movies all the time, because you can never look at them as anybody else."


When I read this, I thought about times that I've said something similar.  I do think it's more difficult for the audience to suspend their disbelief when they are watching a singer act like a singer and it's probably easier to play a singer when you are a singer -- the singing comes more naturally and sounds better.  Of course, you do still have to act, even if you're playing yourself.  But the difference between the two comments is (1) I'm not Rihanna -- I don't run in the same circles as the people I'm talking about; and (2) my comments weren't disrespectful -- I don't think any of them would be upset.


After I did some reflecting, I thought about how silly it is for someone like Rihanna to make such a thoughtless comment in the first place.  By "someone like Rihanna", I mean someone who has less talent than all of the people I listed at the beginning of this post.  How dare she?  We all know that "the Bodyguard" starred Whitney Houston -- I think she did an excellent job in the movie (and the Preacher's Wife, for that matter) and, even after everything she's been through, she still has more talent than Rihanna.


And now, what about Rihanna's "friend" Beyonce?  Was this a cheap shot at her -- she's probably done more of these movies than anyone else on the list.  Did she mean to put her foot in her mouth?  Or maybe, her comments were directed at her ex, Chris Brown.  He certainly meets the criteria and, like Beyonce, has more talent than Rihanna.  


There are legends on the list that I compiled and I'm sure she's even a fan of some of their movies.  The point in my blog post? -- just a reminder to celebrities to watch what they say.  Remember my post about Nia Long?!  Think about the people around you before you start running off at the mouth... not to mention, playing this role, being a real, talented singer would actually be a challenge for Rihanna.  And I don't even mean that as an insult.  I used to be a fan of hers but she needs to understand why people are fans of hers -- sex appeal is not talent.   


By the way, why are they remaking the Bodyguard?

Gently down the stream -- A Haiku

If life’s but a dream
then I want to live with you
laying next to me.

Love Me

Graze my forehead
Kiss my lips
Smile at my achievements
Hug me tightly
Pinch me so I know this is real
Rub my feet
Hold my hand
Wipe away my tears
Caress my belly
Massage my back
Stimulate my mind
Tickle my neck
Run your fingers through my hair
Buy my “unmentionables”
Challenge my opinions
Grab me around my waist from behind
Make me breakfast in bed
Whisper you love me
Stroke my skin
Stand beside me
Motivate me to achieve my dreams
Dream about me
Dread life without me
Encourage me to be better
Care for me when I’m hurt
Laugh at my jokes
Honor my requests
Reach out to help me
Sacrifice your wants for my needs
Prioritize your family
Volunteer your trust
Savor our commitment
Give me your attention
Wink at me from across the room
Prop me up to be admired
Feed my soul
Heal my pain
Exercise my intellect
Share your secrets
Pray for my strength
Pledge your loyalty
Promise me honesty
Keep your promises
Stare deeply into my eyes
Lay me down gently
Touch me softly
Please me tirelessly
Protect me
Desire my warmth
Need me
Miss me
Seek to understand me
Restore my faith in love
Shower me with kindness
Consider my feelings
Respect my rights
Treat me as your equal
Speak up for me
Show how much you care
Deny all others
Surprise me often
Listen to my heartbeat
Enjoy quality time with me
Envision our future
See me for who I am
Hear my thoughts
Taste my sweet kisses
Smell my intoxicating scent
Write me love letters
Take me on dates
Help me with my struggles
Celebrate my gifts
Cuddle up next to me
Appreciate my mind
Nurture my spirit
Call me frequently
Text me passionate messages
Brighten my day

Do these things because you love me
And expect me to love you in all the same ways


Written on Nov. 26, 2008

Bob and Weave...

Now playing: Lions & Tigers & Bears by Jazmine Sullivan

I'm dodging love right now.  I'm bobbing and weaving, ducking and escaping unscathed by the skin of my teeth.  I'm doing everything I can to avoid the trap.  Now you're probably wondering why anyone would describe love as a trap -- you might feel me on some level but you're really like, "huh?"  So here's what it is...

I've been in love before and I know it can be a dangerous thing.  I say dangerous because when you're in love, you change.  Your thoughts become consumed with this other person in your life -- your words and your actions become informed by their presence and your interaction with them.  It's impossible to add someone to your life without it impacting your life in some way and being in love is one of the most extreme ways your life can be impacted.  And like I said, I know this from experience.  I changed when I was in love.

Now change certainly isn't always a bad thing.  Change is necessary for growth.  But, it's difficult to welcome change when you've become comfortable with who you are and where you are in certain aspects of your life. I know that I have certain ideas about relationships and how they should go.  I define love in a particular way and I have standards for who, when, why, where and how I'm going to fall in love and enter a relationship.  Since I'm a perfectionist, I want the circumstances that lead to love and a relationship to be ideal or as ideal as possible.  This may be unrealistic but I despise realism -- it's the cousin of pessimism.

The problem with having such standards and being a perfectionist and resisting change is that when the opportunity to love does present itself -- and does so, in a way that doesn't meet my standards -- I get defensive.  I may recognize it for what it is but I really treat it like a situation that needs to be diffused, handled.  We all have heard the songs that describe love as this beautiful and overwhelming feeling or state -- where the person you're in love with is what you're most concerned with.  They mean the most to you, they have the most power to push your buttons and affect your emotions.  They are the most persuasive, even subtly, when it comes to changing your mind about something and it's most important to learn to compromise with them because in order for love to work with them, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.  But just how far do you have to go?

I don't want to fall in love and lose me.  I don't want to fall in love and lose the rationality with which I defined my standards for love and relationships.  I don't want to lose the ability to be consumed by things other than that person.  I don't want to lose sight of who I am, who I want to be and how I want to go about getting there.  I don't want to be in a position where I have to make sacrifices that jeopardize all of the other things I aspire to in life.  In other words, I don't want love to incapacitate me.  And, more importantly, I fear that it will.

I dodge love because I'm scared of it.  It's a very powerful emotion and I'm not very experienced in emotion so I don't handle emotion well.  I have been avoiding relationships and love because I don't want to be defenseless and get hurt again.  I don't want to be vulnerable.  For me, single means secure.  Engaging my emotions will take me to a place that, in the past, was dangerous.  It will take me to a place where I felt out of control.  For me love and relationships are like PTSD triggers... and I avoid them at all costs.  But I don't want to live that way.  I want to grow out of it and, as I said, that requires change.

Jazmine Sullivan is talking about how she's not scared of some things that would really horrify most people, if not, at least, make them nervous.  And I feel her on that.  I want to learn to ride a motorcycle, go tandem sky-diving and even publish my writing for others to ridicule or enjoy.  All of those things make me nervous but I'm more willing to do all of them - 3 or 4 times - than I am to fall in love again.  I'm risk-averse when it comes to my heart.  I'm rational, logical -- I'm all about what makes logical sense and I trust my mind to lead me in the right direction.  Love traps are definitely within the heart sphere.

So the next time I "trap" myself, I'm going to seek more change.  I'm going to trust that I can preserve the parts of me that comprise the essence of who I am and I'm going to free-fall.  I'm going to take the risk I'm most scared of -- falling in love again.

Is humility really all it's cracked up to be?

A quick Google search will bring up the Wikipedia page on humility; it defines humility as "the quality of being modest, reverential, politely submissive, and/or self-abasing, and never being arrogant, contemptuous, or rude".  Before doing this search, if asked, I would tell anyone that I think it's a good thing to be humble but today I was thinking about humility and pride and now I'm less enthused about the concept and the balance between humility and pride.


How do you balance being confident and having a healthy amount of self-respect and self-love for yourself with being in touch with your humanity and aware of your shortcomings and limitations?  I don't think you achieve this through self-abasement or anything that builds a slippery slope toward it.  I don't even think there is something about humility or its connotation that makes it the opposite of arrogance, contempt or rudeness.  Humility is, in some ways, equally flawed.  Being modest sounds like being dishonest or omitting the truth about one's qualities, being reverential seems to misdirect praise if done all of the time and being submissive -- well that's pretty much self-explanatory.  If this is what it means to be humble, no thanks.


I think it's more important to understand and see value in what you have in common with others rather than to constantly illuminate differences.  But I'm also appreciative of differences.  Audre Lorde once said that "it is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.”  I wholeheartedly agree with her.  Some of those differences amount to increased and decreased propensities and tendencies that manifest into our skills and abilities.  And when I excel at one of my skills and abilities, it is good for me and my self-esteem to acknowledge that I've done well or that I've been successful.  It would also be rude for others to deny that that is the case.  But it's important for everyone to understand our equality.  We're not better or worse than each other, we're different.  I don't have to pretend to be less than to make others feel more comfortable or to make people feel like I understand and have something in common with them.  I can esteem myself as well as others.

Now, I will say that I have accomplished a lot and, by my own standards, not enough.  There are many things I still wish to do and I won't be satisfied until I do them and do them well, I might add.  The closest traits I have to humility are those that allow me to always hunger for more, to aim higher, to be only temporarily satisfied with myself before I move on to the next source of my satisfaction.


So I guess I'm not humble anymore...

Grow Up...

It's come to my attention that some of my slightly older peers believe that they are painfully more wise and knowledgeable when it comes to worldly matters than I am.  They, apologetically, warn me of the differences between the two of us, all of which are owed to age differences, which immediately provoke the question: then, why are we hanging out?  It's as if they believe that I'm exceptional enough to participate in the conversation but yet, at times, not exceptional enough to escape what's typical of someone my age.  To be blunt and brief, I'll say: That's annoying.  Of course, I won't leave it at that... that would totally be out of my character, as you know if you've been reading my blog.

Here are my thoughts: with maturity comes wisdom.  With meaningful life experience and a significant level of self-awareness, one can draw useful lessons from their lives to the extent that they understand how to advise others for similar circumstances -- this doesn't mean that they would advise others to do one thing or another, necessarily, but just that they can advise on the "big picture" concepts, ideals, etc. that one should prioritize in making a decision.

I'm annoyed when people, who clearly have not grasped this concept, try to explain to me that my mindset, my opinions and my outlook on life are "tainted" by my age.  I'm not suggesting that age plays no role at all in one's outlook but, at some point, and for some people, age is one of so many underlying factors that it's significance is trace.  When one has developed a self that is so overwhelmingly influenced by life experiences and meaningful deliberation of the lessons that resulted from those experiences, then, in the words of my girl, Aaliyah, age ain't nothing but a number.  Some people achieve this well before they are expected to and some people never reach this level.  Only a fool (an unwise person) would believe that wisdom is attained one birthday after another.  To those people I emphatically say, GROW UP!!!

Oh Virginia, how I despise thee...

For a few days, I've been walking around thinking and commenting on Virginia's Confederate History Month.  It's no secret that I'm not a fan of "the commonwealth" of Virginia.  I think it's worth mentioning that commonwealth is defined on Wikipedia as "a political community founded for the common good."  Anyway, before last week, I wasn't a fan of Virginia for a few different reasons: (1) the drivers suck overall; (2) the police officers seem to be fulfilling the highest quotas possible and the justice system is "cruel and unusual"; (3) the laws in the state are severely outdated and the justice system takes too long to overturn inhumane laws -- i.e. a husband could legally rape his wife in the VA until 2002 and can still do so with a lesser penalty than raping someone other than his spouse; and (4) the cost of things in VA is usually exorbitant and I mean everything!  Virginia's only redeeming qualities, for me, have been the beautiful landscape of the mountains and valleys in southern VA and my education.  I attended Washington & Lee University (named after a Confederate general) and one of the reasons I chose to go there was its physical beauty.  I will be graduating from George Mason in a few weeks, which is also in Virginia, but after this degree, I hope to limit my ties and activity in the state to a minimum.

Now, I passionately hated Virginia before April 2010.  I read that Cucinelli, state attorney general, wanted to rescind state school policies that prohibited discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, based on a technicality.  Who does that?  Prejudiced people such as those elected in Virginia.  This is when I began to despise the current administration.  Now, they've given me yet another reason to look forward to getting out of Virginia as soon as the ink on my diploma is dry: Confederate History Month.  Most people know that last week, Virginia's governor, Bob McDonnell, declared April "Confederate History Month" -- the twist is that most people know and care about his proclamation because he did not mention slavery in his proclamation of how important it is for Virginia's confederate history to be "studied, understood and remembered".  While I absolutely believe that slavery is the direct cause of the Civil War, this is not my particular issue with the proclamation.  My issue is the fact that there was any proclamation at all.  As far as I can tell, no one has forgotten about Virginia's confederate history, particularly Virginian citizens.  It is still included in the history books and taught in school.  In fact, this may be the anger and disappointment talking, but I would even venture to say that a lot of the present-day racist behavior in Virginia makes it impossible to forget Virginia's confederate history.  Why is it necessary to remind people of such a painful history?  Why is it so important to this administration to do that?  And why do they think this declaration will welcome many more tourists to the state for the anniversary of the Civil War?  I absolutely disagree that racism is disappearing but I did think we were moving away from major racist declarations such as this.  Who does Bob think he is to make such a divisive declaration and then to amend it with a "condemnation" of slavery?  It's like he's saying, "remember the good ol' days when we thought we could legally keep slavery alive and thriving?  Even if we can't get that back, let's just celebrate that time when our national moral conscience was literally warring from opposite sides.  A time when we were a separate country, entirely."  I'm so angered by this that I'm inclined to call Bob something other than his name... It really annoys me that one state could be so backward in its policies, attitudes, voting trends, etc.  

The Civil War, and the Confederacy, were absolutely about states' rights, as so many defenders like to say.  My response is that they were about states' rights to own slaves.  They were about slavery -- without that hot topic, there would have been no Civil War or Confederacy.  To celebrate this major scar in our national history at all, let alone for an entire month, is insulting.  

I am thankful to the "commonwealth" for a reputable education, and for the "lows" in my life without which I couldn't truly appreciate the "highs".  But if we never have formal ties again, I'll be more than fine with that.

...if I should die before I wake...

Despite the morbid title, read on.  This week, I had a major reality check.  I was on a high, a mountaintop, if you will, because someone anonymously confessed that after hearing a presentation of mine, they are leaving an abusive marriage.  I was elated.  Just a few hours later, I found out that one of my younger cousins had been shot.  I don't need to try to explain how low I felt, almost immediately.  But I tried to rationalize my feelings -- all I could do was pray.  I just asked God to bless my cousin and to not let this end in tragedy.  Thankfully, my cousin is doing well.  I just told him today that he's a miracle.  He's so blessed.

Tonight (or this morning) I'm packing for my mission trip to Nicaragua.  I'm very excited! I'm looking forward to getting out of the country and working and meeting some new people.  I believe that God is sending me there for a purpose and I'm anxious to find out what it is and I'm trying to be mindful of what may be required of me in order to fulfill that purpose.  But this week has me thinking about life and death a lot.  This is the spirit I have just before leaving on this trip.  I was on a high because I felt like God had used me to help save someone's life but then I was at an all-time low because I felt like someone else had tried to rob my cousin of his life.  This all happened on the same day within an hour.  Now, I am a very rational person.  I also struggle with anxiety and depression so, at times, I'm less than reasonable but, overall, I keep my emotions at bay.  I'm usually very calm and focused when others are panicked.  I think my rationality, and perhaps even my depression, make me very comfortable talking about death.  I'm not scared to die.  I'm not ready to die but I'm certainly not scared of it.  It's inevitable.  I believe that God will keep me here as long as is necessary for me to fulfill my purpose.  I will leave this body when I have maximized my potential to reach others and impact their lives, no sooner or later.  God will take me because, at that point, I have no use on this Earth -- at that point, staying here would be meaningless.  I think this is true for everyone -- God takes us when we've done everything we've come to do.  Sometimes, we only need to be here for a few days and sometimes, we need to be here a few days longer than a century; either way, we stay until we've done all we can to make people's lives better -- through our own positivity or negativity -- and once we've done that, we can leave.

Many of my friends and family know this but when I'm gone, I want all of my loved ones to truly celebrate my life.  I want them to be thankful that we had anytime together at all.  I want them to see the blessing in my life and in me leaving my body.  I want them to reflect on the memories of love that we've created over the years. I want to be celebrated -- not mourned.  I want my body to be cremated and I want the ashes to be buried with a tree sapling so that I can grow into something new, become a part of another life.  And at the celebration, I want ALL of my loved ones to dress comfortably, eat well (eat all of my favorites) and share their memories with each other.  I want everyone to listen to all of my favorite music and to watch my favorite shows and movies.  I want the people I love to take advantage of the time we had to influence each other's lives -- it was all for a purpose.

I'm 23 years old and I'm thankful for every day and experience I've lived through.  I'm not rushing to go but I'm ready.  Every day, I'm trying harder to live in a way that will help to fulfill my purpose, one that will contribute to an awesomely, meaningful legacy.  If I should die before I wake.... well, I want you to celebrate!

Luv Alwayz,
Nique

My Baby!

Meet Phoenix!  She's my 13 month old puppy and she's a mix of Yorkshire Terrier and Shih Tzu.  Her name means: a person or thing of peerless beauty or excellence.  That's why I named her Phoenix, not because of the city or the bird.  

This little girl is like my child.  I've had her for about 10 months now and I couldn't imagine loving anything more than I do her.  In other words, I love her the same way I love some of the most important people in my life because somehow I've managed to build that kind of bond with her.  Nonverbal communication is amazing.  And it helps that Phoenix is also an Aquarius and she has so much personality.  

I can't imagine being without her even though I know that day will come so I'm just enjoying the time I have with her now.  Phoenix makes me feel better about myself, about my day, about life.... I believe she's a God-send.  I've never been a fan of small dogs but I'm in love.... this is what love feels like - unconditional, honest, and, sometimes, unspoken.