...if I should die before I wake...

Despite the morbid title, read on.  This week, I had a major reality check.  I was on a high, a mountaintop, if you will, because someone anonymously confessed that after hearing a presentation of mine, they are leaving an abusive marriage.  I was elated.  Just a few hours later, I found out that one of my younger cousins had been shot.  I don't need to try to explain how low I felt, almost immediately.  But I tried to rationalize my feelings -- all I could do was pray.  I just asked God to bless my cousin and to not let this end in tragedy.  Thankfully, my cousin is doing well.  I just told him today that he's a miracle.  He's so blessed.

Tonight (or this morning) I'm packing for my mission trip to Nicaragua.  I'm very excited! I'm looking forward to getting out of the country and working and meeting some new people.  I believe that God is sending me there for a purpose and I'm anxious to find out what it is and I'm trying to be mindful of what may be required of me in order to fulfill that purpose.  But this week has me thinking about life and death a lot.  This is the spirit I have just before leaving on this trip.  I was on a high because I felt like God had used me to help save someone's life but then I was at an all-time low because I felt like someone else had tried to rob my cousin of his life.  This all happened on the same day within an hour.  Now, I am a very rational person.  I also struggle with anxiety and depression so, at times, I'm less than reasonable but, overall, I keep my emotions at bay.  I'm usually very calm and focused when others are panicked.  I think my rationality, and perhaps even my depression, make me very comfortable talking about death.  I'm not scared to die.  I'm not ready to die but I'm certainly not scared of it.  It's inevitable.  I believe that God will keep me here as long as is necessary for me to fulfill my purpose.  I will leave this body when I have maximized my potential to reach others and impact their lives, no sooner or later.  God will take me because, at that point, I have no use on this Earth -- at that point, staying here would be meaningless.  I think this is true for everyone -- God takes us when we've done everything we've come to do.  Sometimes, we only need to be here for a few days and sometimes, we need to be here a few days longer than a century; either way, we stay until we've done all we can to make people's lives better -- through our own positivity or negativity -- and once we've done that, we can leave.

Many of my friends and family know this but when I'm gone, I want all of my loved ones to truly celebrate my life.  I want them to be thankful that we had anytime together at all.  I want them to see the blessing in my life and in me leaving my body.  I want them to reflect on the memories of love that we've created over the years. I want to be celebrated -- not mourned.  I want my body to be cremated and I want the ashes to be buried with a tree sapling so that I can grow into something new, become a part of another life.  And at the celebration, I want ALL of my loved ones to dress comfortably, eat well (eat all of my favorites) and share their memories with each other.  I want everyone to listen to all of my favorite music and to watch my favorite shows and movies.  I want the people I love to take advantage of the time we had to influence each other's lives -- it was all for a purpose.

I'm 23 years old and I'm thankful for every day and experience I've lived through.  I'm not rushing to go but I'm ready.  Every day, I'm trying harder to live in a way that will help to fulfill my purpose, one that will contribute to an awesomely, meaningful legacy.  If I should die before I wake.... well, I want you to celebrate!

Luv Alwayz,
Nique